Hello my lovelies,
I've been thinking about doing this post for a while, but as it is such a personal issue for me I wasn't sure. Yet during the mental health awareness week I posted an Instagram post talking about my mental health situation. So I thought why not do an in depth post about it.
Mental health is such an important issue, yet we don't talk about it due to the stigma attached to it. I personally felt ashamed when I started seeing the signs. I am a teaching assistant who works with children with special needs, I felt that if I acknowledged my health issue then I wouldn't be good enough to look after my students. So for months I put off going to the doctors.
If it wasn't for my mum saying that I should go to the doctors, I probably still would be saying I'm ok! My health physically, started to get worse and I took a day off work to see my doctor about a chest infection. She asked about any reason why (in summer) I could get a chest infection, and for some reason it all came flooding out. I was feeling stress from work, a few month previous I had lost my dog Gracie, who when I had seizures would always be there when I came round, it hit me pretty hard if I am honest. So when I blurted all this out to the doctor, she gave me a questionnaire. Told me to make another appointment to see her and for a blood test and she also signed me off work for a week. When I went back for my check up I was told I was lacking vitamin D so had to go on supplements, which I will be taking for my life, along with Iron tablets. I was also told, that I had depression, stress and anxiety.
It's hard when you hear the words out loud, but it is also a relief as you finally know that it's not in your head. My doctor gave me a choice of therapy or medication. She said she would rather not put me on medication and so I should try therapy, I never done the therapy which looking back was stupid, because I'm struggling. I had to force myself to go to a friends hen do a few weeks ago, yet when I was there I loved it. Getting up and going to work is also a struggle, I hate being ill and having days off as I feel like i am letting people down, which makes my anxiety and depression worse. Yet, going into work I feel like I'm not going to be of use and so my anxiety flares up. However, I put on a brave face and a smile and no one can tell the different.
A few months back I had an annual review with my manager and she asked if I had anything to tell her after we spoke about my performance. So I thought even though its been a year and I don't like talking about it, she needs to know. So I told her and I was so surprised with her response. She told me how surprised she was as I always turn up smiling and laughing, she had no idea that I was going through that, and also that she was proud that I was coming into work, and also proud that I never let any of the students find out as they would have been constantly worried. As it is if I have days off the students always ask if I'm OK. But she also told me that if I did anything then to go and she her. I had a bit of a slip a few weeks after when I was having a particularly bad day, and a student was being really rude to me and wouldn't listen. I actually go up and walked out the room and had a cry in the corridor away from everyone. Due to being too proud and stubborn I didn't tell my manager about this or any colleague.
During mental health awareness a colleague of mine posted on Facebook her struggle and it surprised me as she is so bubbly and outgoing. So when I DM'd her she was also surprised that I was in the same boat as her as I, like her hide it as well. But we have both agreed that should we feel down we will go and speak to one another. Having these conditions (for lack of a better word), it has helped me to connect with students. As we have a few with anxiety and so I know what they go through, especially the year 11 students who are doing their exams now. I feel it has helped me in a way that although they don't know I'm the same, they feel as though I understand, which I do and so it helps them not to feel alone.
So to end this long post, apologies for, I will say this. If you notice that something is wrong or feels wrong with your feelings then please go and see a doctor. The longer you put it off the longer you suffer in silence, please don't do what I did. Also to those who are already living knowing that your mental health isn't in tip top condition. I applaud you for getting the help, the first step to getting help is always the hardest and also living every day with it is hard. There is no cure for it, we learn to live with it and to cope every day. Just take it one step at a time and always take time for yourself.
